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Monday, December 15 12:01 AM EST
God Considers Smiting Bible Pirates
By Kristian Werner
Vatican City - God did not rule out smiting as a final measure against
those who share his most famous work, the Bible, on the Internet. This
marks the first time a deity has spoken on IT-related questions since
Steve Jobs was temporarily Enlightened when touching the One True iMac
some years ago.
Citing misuse of His word, misquotation, and putting hardworking Bible
printers out of work, God said he would now start hunting Bible
pirating around the globe. "I have to defend both my world-famous
brand - the Bible and its distinctive likenesses - and the livelihood
of those who create and distribute legal copies of it. Sure, they live
not by bread alone, but website hits - someone else's website mind you
- don't pay the bills for these folks."
Since large portions of the Bible are many centuries old, many people
believe the work to be in the public domain. Not so, said God. "Look,
most copyright laws are based on something like the author's lifetime
plus, let's say, 15 years. News flash: I'm still here."
" I am a jealous God," He said, "but I am by no means unreasonable. If
the person will stop distributing My copyrighted materials, there will
be no further consequences. Like I've said before: hate pirating, love
Ironically, some of those most likely to be hit by these measures are
among God's biggest fans. The Reverend Alfred Jackson is a minister at
the church of St. Cecilia in Kansas City. In his spare time, he
maintains the Bible study website "eChapter and eVerse," which
cross-references large parts of the bible with commentary from clergy
and laypeople from around the world.
God said that 'spreading the Gospel' was not a valid defense for
distributing copyrighted materials. "Rev. Jackson has published at
least 35% of My word electronically, where anyone with an internet
connection can download it. Thrice did I call on him to repent; thrice
did he ignore me or refer me to the EFF [Electronic Frontier
Jackson said he had had several emails from someone claiming to be the
Deity, but had first dismissed them as pranks. When he received the
second 'cease and desist', Jackson contacted the EFF and asked for
Marie Dang, an attorney with EFF said smiting was clearly an
unreasonable response to alleged copyright infringement. "I realize
that legal text often spells out all the details and ramifications
right from the start. But mentions of smiting and damnation are hardly
suitable for a first letter," said Dang.
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Responding to widespread criticism over perceived misuse of
omnipotence, God said people had misunderstood Him. "I repeat: Smiting
would only be a last resort against the unrepentant. True, neither My
Son nor I thought of electronic piracy when I sent him to earth.
However, we have decided to include it as a 'sin' for purposes of
forgiveness. I don't know who put in that 'damnation' stuff."
When asked what His next step might be, God was reluctant to discuss
specifics. He stressed that He would consider the effect of His
actions on the meek. "Let's make one thing clear," He said, "I may be
omnipotent, but I'm not crazy: It's not like I think I'm Jack
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